Empowering Anger

Over a year and a half ago I wrote this post asking you to think of what your anger is telling you. I continue to encounter anger within myself, my clients, and my loved ones around me, and always find myself fascinated by this emotion.

It’s a valid emotion. It is one that you will feel and it is a core emotion. But, in all the times I’ve encountered anger in myself and others, it’s never been the full story. There have always been other emotions there.

So, why do we have anger instead of only having these other emotions?

First, let’s look at common emotions beneath anger: disappointment, sadness, fear, shame, betrayal, hurt, and disbelief are a few. And common ways these emotions leave us viewing ourselves? Small, weak, immobilized, fragile, and broken.

Whereas anger leaves us viewing ourselves much differently. It’s an empowering emotion, leaving us feeling big, strong, capable, able to protect ourselves, and ready to fight.

By recognizing that we turn to the empowerment of anger in times when we also have belittling emotions underneath can be a starting point in us creating new patterns to allow those belittling emotions to have their own space, too.

One way I commonly do this is by talking to myself. It may feel weird at first, but it’s been a really useful tactic that I use for myself and recommend to many of my clients. When anger comes up, we can start to be curious about what other emotions are there. Let’s say, in being curious, you discover that you’re actually feeling hurt.

Things you could say to yourself could be:

This emotion of hurt does not make me weak.

I am not small because I am feeling hurt.

I am finding myself getting angry because I want to do something with this hurt, but naming this emotion and sitting with is the productivity I need to do right now.

Being able to sit with what is underneath our anger, will allow us to be more direct in our reactions and allow us to work through the emotions more smoothly. If we only work with anger, then we leave the other emotions to stew and fester. But, by being curious about what is underneath and providing ourselves the necessary comfort to feel them, we allow ourselves to work through all the emotions and eventually encounter closure.

So, next time you find yourself angry, ask yourself, Why am I turning to the empowerment of anger right now? What other emotions do I need to give space to?