Motherhood Becoming

My, oh, my.

Motherhood is the most wild ride I have ever been on in my life. Each day is packed with more emotions than I used to feel in a whole week. I can go from losing my whits end, to being engulfed in the sweetest hug that eases all my tensions. I go from feeling like I’m making ground and feeling settled in motherhood one second to feeling like I’m doing nothing right. I can go from wondering how I’m going to make it through another day of toddlerhood to being so grateful I get so much time with my son.

A quote I came across the other day summed up my journey perfectly so far. On the motherspeak Instagram account, one of their posts said that in raising children, you lose your mind a little bit. But, boy, do you find your soul.

I would argue that sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind a lot a bit, but, through all the degrees of mind losing, I wholeheartedly agree that I have found my soul.

I know myself better than I ever have. I know myself in anger, exhaustion, fatigue, joy, tranquility, love, embarrassment, defeat, happiness, connection. I get acquainted with myself in these emotions daily. I am more connected with my weaknesses than I ever have been. These, too, I’m reminded of daily. But, I can also more confidently than I ever have tell you about my strengths. I can look you in the eyes as I tell you about my resiliency. I can vividly tell you of all the times I thought I had reached my limit, only to find out I still haven’t met my limit yet.

My life prior to my son was good, it was beautiful in its own way. But, I can see a vibrancy, a frequency, a soul-familiarity that is present now that my son is here. I didn’t need these things before him, but now that I have him, I can’t imagine living without their intoxicating captivation. Yes, it makes the hard more poignant. I feel exhaustion to the core of my bones. I feel the defeat at the heart of my soul. But, I also feel the joy in a manner that I have a sensation of floating just above the ground. I feel tranquility in a way where I have to close my eyes due to the overwhelm of my senses. I feel a love that makes all the emotional extremes tolerable and consumable.

I have found my soul. And find more and more of it each day. As it lives inside of me, and as it runs around in my oh-so-wild toddler.

So, to all the mothers on Mother’s Day, I know it is so, so hard. And yes, you may feel like you are losing your mind. Some days a lot and some days just a little. But, at the same time, welcome to the deepest encounters with your soul you will have. Both can be true, both are present daily, and both are part of motherhood becoming.

Happiest of Mother’s Days.