Building Tolerance with Uncertainty

I just finished reading Holy Envy by Barbara Brown Taylor. And it was phenomenal. I highly recommend Barabara Brown Taylor's books. The way she writes makes me feel like I am sitting on the front porch with her, drinking a sweet tea, and the golden hour light is hitting the garden around us just right. I’m comfortable, I have my guard down because she speaks with humble wisdom, but I know, too, to not miss a word because everything she says holds much to wrestle and contemplate. I have read An Altar to the World by her and when I came across that book again on my bookshelf the other day I remembered how much I loved reading her work and checked to see what other books she has. I was intrigued by the title Holy Envy, as those are never two words I would put together, so I chose to check it out.

The book talks about Barbara Brown Taylor being challenged in her grounding with Christianity as she taught a Religion 101 college course and taught about the world’s religions. I know some will already assume that the book ends with Taylor coming to the divine conclusion that Christianity is supreme and all other religions have it wrong. While Taylor is still Christian, I can tell you that this is not the conclusion she comes to. And it was a heck of a ride reading her book. If that content is something that interests you, I highly recommend it. She gave me much to wrestle with, and the beauty in how she views faiths other than her own is captivatingly beautiful.

But, that is not what this post is going to be about. What I wanted to dig into more here is a point Taylor made on being able to sit with uncertainty.

In short, we are often terrible at it.

And it’s not entirely our fault. Our brains have a deep desire to know things, and so they often unconsciously fill in blanks for us and help areas of uncertainty feel much more certain.

Hence why you just know that the look that person gave you means they think you are weird. Or that you just know the way that person texted back means they are angry at you. Or that you just know that you will fail at the presentation at work or school tomorrow.

Sure, sometimes you are right, and this reinforces this pattern you’ve created of when this certain thing happens then this is always the effect. But, the reality is, that we don’t do very well at sitting in uncertainty, so we fill in the blanks.

But something Barbara Brown Taylor said struck me. She wrote we do not see what we do not expect to see.

Let that sit with you.

We do not see what we do not expect to see. Think of how many times you have filled in the blanks this past week. We fill in the blanks with what we know. That we will fail, that people don’t like us, that we disappoint people, that people don’t care about us. But, there is a chance that there are new things out there for you to experience, you just don’t expect to see them. So you don’t.

You could run into somebody who is fascinated by you. Who is in awe at what you do. Who applauds your accomplishments. But if you don’t allow yourself to sit in uncertainty when interacting with them, then you may fill in the blanks with your past experiences, and miss out on the chance to experience something new.

And Taylor recognizes this isn’t easily done. She quotes Jonathan Sacks in her writing when he says peace involves a profound crisis of identity.

By being willing to sit in uncertainty, you will be choosing to step away from patterns that have likely long been present for you. And while those patterns may not always be enjoyable to keep encountering, there is a sense of comfort in them. They’ve always been there and you know how they play out. So choosing to not fill in the blanks by assuming that what has always happened to you will continue to happen to you, is going to cause discomfort. Those patterns are going to be enticing to fall back into.

Because uncertainty doesn’t necessarily feel good. But, by sitting in this discomfort, allowing new experiences to be had, peace may very well be following.

This all may sound great, but how do you sit with the discomfort of uncertainty?

First, you’ve got to name that it is coming up for you. Our body often gives us signs as to what we are feeling. For me, my breathing gets shallow when I’m uncertain. And my forehead tenses and my mind starts racing to fill in the blanks. When I feel these things, I know to check in if I’m in the midst of uncertainty.

Second, I breathe. It sounds minuscule. We do it all the time. But taking time to pay attention to my breath keeps me in the present moment, keeps my anxiety at bay, and keeps me mindful of what’s going on in my body. I work to take deep, slow breaths in and longer, slower breaths out.

Third, if I know I have common patterns I lean into, I stay mindful to keep those on pause. Sure, what’s happened in my past may happen again. But, it’s not a guarantee. So, I keep my brain from filling in the blanks and work to stay open to new experiences.

Fourth, I reflect and I grow. This won’t be perfect every time. Sometimes I’ll miss my cues that I’m in uncertainty, sometimes my patterns will sneak in and fill in the blanks without me catching it. But, if I take time to reflect and learn then I’ll keep growing and build my tolerance.

Just like building your physical strength, building your tolerance for uncertainty takes time and is best done by adding a little bit at a time. But, the beauty awaiting us if we learn to sit in uncertainty is a captivatingly stunning one.